My inner critic keeps me awake at night.
When I’m down, I don’t leave my room for days, I don’t eat, sleep or stop thinking.
Being overwhelmed with much emotions makes me down, so down that I can barely move my limbs, get out of bed or even smile at my loved ones.
And when I’m happy I’m like a manic, I love life, people and I’m open for crazy ideas .
I dreamt to be with someone who knows how to hold me, speak softly in my ears and say “IT IS GONNA BE OK, BABE”.
Being surrounded with those who can’t help you or make you feel down all the time, it can be really hard.
Last time I broke down, a darling friend took my hand and tucked me into bed and I just felt as safe as a baby.
Today I’m far away from my darlings, sometimes I feel shaky, anxious and I panic. Panic attacks makes my anxiety have an incredible effect on my ability to control my emotions. Recently I’m showing inappropriate anger, but sometimes anger is necessary.
During my anxiety I empty my bladder frequently, I get numbness in my arm, I get nightmares, I feel on the edge, when anyone snaps at me I keep thinking non stop about that, my decisions are indecisive, I’m afraid of the crowd and being left alone at same time, my body/muscles are tense and in pain, I’m easily frightened.
I don’t know what I’m doing and though thinking of my problems for hours, I don’t think they are resolved. To me, the world is just a big scary place. Basically I feel losing control. I’m afraid of what waiting me for me in the future.
Strangely enough, I keep thinking of the things I have not yet accomplished.
Feeling that the walls are closing in around to suffocating me.
Anxiety can destroy your confidence in yourself!!!!!!
I’m no a superwoman. I’m still trying to stand out strong. Next month I’m gonna be 32 years old, so I’m a survivor.
In the end it is no shame to feel unwell or to recognize that you are hurt or disappointed or depressed.
Being depressed doesn’t define me, it allows me to see my human emotions which I’m proud and ashamed of them.
PS: This post is in memory of my best-friend who passed away at a young age.